I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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