i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
