if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
