So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
