you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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