I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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