Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
