Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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