my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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