no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
