Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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