Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize