everyone is single if you try hard enough
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
