can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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