dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
