I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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