I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
