I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
