I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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