I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
