apparently the secret to your success is patron
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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