I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
