Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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