and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
