i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
