Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
why didn't you poke me back
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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