is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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