I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
