I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
