I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
