Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
