I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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