Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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