I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I didn't shave. On purpose
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
