I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
