i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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