you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
