I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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