you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
