I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
