two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
