True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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