In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
