I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
