I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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