does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
