I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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