fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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