Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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