Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
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