I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
