she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
