Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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