Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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