if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
