My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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