Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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