Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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