im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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