I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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