my vag is so smooth its legendary
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
