hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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