what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
