the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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