Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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